How much of a masochist I really am until last night. I purposly talked to you to rehash my feeling to make myself feel alone just to feel something other than numb or a fake smile. I always just ignore my exs because its how I get over you but it seems talking to you just made me feel alone and i liked it cause at least it was better than crawling after something thats not. It seems i will always find a way to make myself feel like shit no matter what
I’m sick of this life
It’s always my fault and no one elses
Even when it is
Sorry i can’t be a mechanic to fix my own
Sorry everyone baled to fix it
But no its my fault
No matter what
I can’t take it anymore
I just don’t want to exsist
Life has no upside
Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn’t?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn’t?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He’s only a friend, and nothing else—
That’s the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he’s just a bud,
But deep inside, you’re falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn’t right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretned that you don’t care.
It’s “not right” for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he’s just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it’s “wrong” for him to know.
Your friendship can’t be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish…
- Momei Qu
I’m obsessed with the song if I die young, its so amazing. Anyway I read 13 reasons why and it changed my life and I cried myself to sleep that night. I can almost place my 13 people with a certain someone being number 9. Anyway this book she killed herself the way I almost did. She sent recordings to people and I was going to send letters how scary. It really opened my eyes. I hate working and I feel like shit all the time. I just dont have the drive to wakeup. I only wakeup because you call me and your voice brightens my day a little. I had a dream where they sent you away last night and i literally hugged you and cried. I just wish my life was a fairy tale somedays. I hate reality and even my dreams are not so pleasant anymore. I don’t know I need to save money but I like going out. I hate my job cause it doesnt feel homely like my other job did. It seems im just going through a daze. I really want to quit after this semester and my mom thought i was and told me not too. My family expects great things from me and its so much pressure. It pissed me off that they got my brother help but i got nothing. I want to do makeup and plan weddings. I can’t wait to get married if it ever happens. I have so many ideas. I just want to be happy again and i’ve haven’t since like my senior year.
Im so unstable. I got botched at for eating a piece of food cause the dog was suppose to get it? Does that make snse. Then u ban the only person keeping me alive cause you changed sonething. Plus my love life is in shambles. I’m stressed to my eyeballs. How can i get help I can’t afford anything as it is. Guess ill never be good enough to anyone. I guess working almost full time and going to school full time means nothing. Guess everyone will notice how much I mean once I’m gone for fucking good
